


Bullet

by aricasuntoast



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Eremin - Freeform, Multi, My First Fanfic, Other, a little bit of, and hinted, and possible, erwinxjean - Freeform, hinted jeanmarco, idk actually, springles - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-14
Updated: 2014-07-06
Packaged: 2018-02-04 17:09:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1786696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aricasuntoast/pseuds/aricasuntoast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My friend and I were discussing Chapter 58, and that massive cliffhanger. We discussed theories about how some people said that Mikasa died instead of Jean, so as the crazy person I am, I went ahead and wrote this: At the cliffhanger on Chapter 58, what happened to Jean?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Reality

Jean opened his eyes to find a vast field, standing on something soft. Bright light came from an unknown source; it appeared to be lit everywhere, with no shadows. He wondered where he was. _Wasn’t I in a cart with Armin?_ He remembered screaming voices…and a big bang. His hands flew to his head expecting to find the hat he was wearing, but it wasn’t there.

He looked around and saw a person wandering the white fields. The mysterious person wore a jacket from the military, but the symbol on the back displayed two crossed swords, representing the trainees. It was a male, probably 18 at most. He had a straight upper body, and his height was nearly 6 feet. He turned around, and Jean’s eyes widened with shock.

“Marco?” he asked, quietly. “Hey…you’re…Marco…” He said a bit louder, repeating the same words he said when he found his body. He still didn’t understand Marco’s death. It appeared that he’d been eaten by a Titan, but why not all of him? Why did they leave the rest of his body, to be slumped over, mouth no longer smiling, freckles nowhere to be seen, and his eyes so dull? But there Marco was, right in front of him. Jean glided over to him, as if he didn’t need to walk, like he was floating. “Marco!”

He didn’t know what was going on. But he didn’t care.

Marco saw Jean coming and his reaction was not expected. “Jean!” he exclaimed, lips pressed into a thin line instead of having that goofy smile that was way too optimistic for the cruel world Jean knew. “What are you doing here?”

Jean stopped short of crashing into him, just inches away from him. _Is he…real?_ He looked at Marco. “I’m back, Marco.” He said. “Remember when I said we wanted an easy life within Wall Sina, away from the Titans? I wanted a safe life but all I wanna do is spend my life with you.” Jean picked up Marco’s hand and held it in his own. It was so warm and soft, and freckled just like his cheeks.

“Jean…” Marco’s voice was low and concerned, and it worried Jean. _Why isn’t he happy now?_ “You have to go back. You can’t stay here.”

Jean furrowed his eyebrows together in frustration and his hand clenched into a fist. “Why? I’m finally reunited with you. Why should I leave?”

“Your time has not come yet, Jean,” Marco said. “You still have a destiny to fulfill. Go back.”

“But…where?”

“Where you belong.” Marco smiled as usual, and pressed his warm, soft lips to Jean’s. His troubles seemed to melt away, but unfortunately, so did Marco, and the heavenly environment around them. His vision faded to black, unlike the first time when everything faded to white and he found him.

* * *

Armin had stopped the cart, despite their current situation that they were on the run. He was kneeling over Jean’s body, slumped over in the corner. His olive green shirt was stained a contrasting blood red (no pun intended), and even though he was already dead, his clothes grew more and more soiled over time. Armin didn’t know what to do. It felt like he was back in Trost District, when he watched those in his group get eaten. When he was about to die himself, Eren pulled him out and the bearded titan swallowed him, his severed left arm flying out. He remembered hating himself, for doing nothing and letting others die. Just like Jean did now. Tears brimmed his eyes and his vision wavered.  _No, don’t be like this again._ He wiped away the tears that threatened to spill, and he swore he saw something move.

Something did move.

Jean’s dead body – no, _alive_ body – twitched, and honestly, Armin screamed. The only other time he saw someone come back to life was with Eren, but he was actually a Titan shifter…so what the fuck happened here? Jean started coughing, and Armin stood up in alarm. Was his coughing a good sign? He just revived so it wasn’t like he was in imminent danger.

Jean’s eyes widened. “M-Mikasa!” Armin threw his arms around him, not saying a word. “A-armin…what happened?”

“You died…just like Eren…” Armin jumped over the cart and back onto the ledge, and picked up the horse reins. With that, the cart made its way back onto the dirt ground. “I watched your life end…”

“And what about Mikasa?!” Jean tried to sit up, but his stomach balled up and sent huge waves of pain throughout his body, and he fell back onto the wood of the cart. He lay there, and took a minute to take in his surroundings, and perhaps answer any obvious questions. He noticed that none of Captain Kenny’s squad was following them, but neither was Squad Leader Levi. Mikasa was missing, and so was the woman that shot Jean, and her gun was left behind. _How much did I miss?_

As if on cue, Armin answered, “Believe it or not, Mikasa made the same mistake of going into shock about someone’s death and not thinking.” He was fixed on looking ahead, so his expression remained a mystery. “She attacked the woman. For a second I thought she could, but…” His voice faltered with a slight crack. “But I forgot that she carried a gun, and bullets are deadlier and harder to dodge, and not to mention faster…” Armin concentrated on driving the cart through the roads while Jean had managed to get into a slumped, sitting position on his side. “The woman leapt at her and they went crashing into a building. I stopped but Squad Leader told me to keep going. ‘We need you to be safe. Shit, we need _anyone_ to be safe. We still need to get Eren and Historia. We’ve just had a few setbacks,’ he said. He swung after Mikasa and suddenly a hoard of the Military Police, or Kenny’s squad – or whatever they are – swarmed them.”

Jean put his head in his hands, only to find they were dripping in blood from his gaping chest. “So where are we going? We…we lost the hearst.” He thought of Eren and Historia in those caskets, waiting to be rescued by the Survey Corps. For once, he felt bad for Eren. Things were definitely not going his way. _Oh shit,_ his mind screamed, _what’s the bastard gonna say when he finds out that the girl that devoted her life to protecting him, his family…died for me?_ He rolled over on his other side. _Why_ did _she die for me? Why did she step in and get killed herself? Why did I still live? I was fine with Marco…_ “M…M…” He didn’t know if he wanted to say Mikasa’s or Marco’s name. Marco. _He died. I did too. But I still lived. And Mikasa took my place._

His eyes watered a bit, and then his gaze settled on the gun left behind. These bullets were lethal; if it killed Mikasa with one shot, and he survived one (by luck), there was no way he could withstand another one. It called to him; it beckoned him with such force. His hand twitched, wanting to get ahold of the gun.

“Don’t.” Armin’s voice cut into Jean’s thoughts, immediately chasing away the gun’s commands. “That’s not going to solve anything. You have to atone by living the life that was preserved. And after all we’ve been through…don’t waste the life she died saving.” That was the first time Armin directly addressed Mikasa’s death.

Jean tried to protest, but it would do him no good. Armin always knew what to do. For some reason, they had quite a strong bond. In a way, he reminded him of himself, as narcissistic as it sounded.

 _You’re not strong Jean - that’s why you can understand how the weak feel and you’re good at judging the situation correctly. You always clearly know what you’re supposed to do don’t you? Your orders were right. That’s why I could run. That’s why I’m alive,_ Marco had once told him as they refilled their gas tanks after successfully ridding the Titans in the headquarters’ supply room. Using Armin’s plan.

“How do you always know what to do?” Jean asked, voice barely above a whisper as he sat up. “What did you do when Eren died, right in front of your eyes?” He didn’t even see Mikasa die. Just like Marco. But Eren was apparently a Titan shifter, and they were not. If they could trigger some awesome Titan, it would have happened a long time ago. Jean wondered what Mikasa would look like as a Titan. _Probably pretty and really fit._ And Marco? _Freckled._

“Well, uh, I didn’t know what to do. I can’t really give you advice since I’m not so experience myself, so, um, try not to blame yourself and let your emotions take over. It prevents you from thinking straight.” _Wasn’t that what Mikasa did?_ Armin added, “I think it’s clear what to do. We need to fix you up, Jean. You’re bleeding. A lot.” He didn’t even look at himself but rather at the tips of Armin’s blond hair stained by Jean’s dark red blood. _Oh God, that’s awkward. How did that even happen? I’m all the way over here._ He looked down at his chest. He was practically spurting blood, and his ripped shirt was not serving as a bandage, let alone even covering the ghastly sight of his wound. His flesh was torn out was under his skin, and bits were charcoal black, possibly burnt from the pressure the bullet entered with. _How am I still alive? If I wasn’t hit in the heart, it was probably some other vital organ._ “We don’t need you dying.”

“Again.” Armin muttered under his breath. With Armin faced away from him, it was hard for Jean to read his face, to figure out what thoughts were forming in that head of his. _He told me not to blame myself, but is_ he _blaming me? Am I overreacting over one little word?_

Maybe he wasn’t. Jean tried to imagine Armin telling Eren one of their best friends died, just like Armin did to Mikasa. It was much worse than Jean telling Eren himself. _He can hate me all he wants, but I wouldn’t want to see Eren take out that anger on Armin._

_If we ever find Eren._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hoped you liked it! I'm hoping to finish this before Hajime Isayama releases Chapter 59, because that be mighty awkward if everything I wrote was inaccurate (or completely true o_o).


	2. Useless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean's self-esteem is almost non-existent. He doesn't know what to think anymore.

A few minutes later, Armin slowed down near a busy trade market. There’s nothing more suspicious than cloaked people racing through a city. Especially when the regiment you’re in is wanted, and if anyone finds out you’re part of the Survey Corps, the Military Police will definitely find you.

There weren’t many people in the streets (not like anyone could go out with all the crime happening) and Armin asked a friendly-looking woman, “Excuse me, miss, but is there a doctor nearby?”

“There should be doctors from the Military Police brigade. They’re always happy to help.” Bullshit.

Armin shook his head. “Nevermind. Thank you, anyway.”

“But…your friend, he’s bleeding! The Military Police will put your life ahead of theirs.” A nearby man shouted, “Unlike those Survey Corps bastards! I’d love to see them burn…especially that Levi guy. What the hell are they doing? They’re probably chilling in some hideout, doing absolutely nothing to defeat the Titans. They eat our food and take our money while the Military Police struggle to keep order in our peaceful cities.” He paused, and for a moment Armin and Jean thought he had discovered they were Survey Corps in disguise. Armin whipped the reins and the horses took off before the man could continue with his hateful speech.

“Armin!” a voice called, and he urged the horses to go a bit faster. He dreaded that the citizens had learned their names and were taunting them. “Je–”

“Shut up, you stupid woman! Do you want all of our covers to be blown?!” another voice called from behind.

“They don’t even know our names.”

“Bu–oh my god, nevermind.” The two caught up to their caught, and Jean and Armin were so relieved to see Connie and Sasha again. “There were more guys following us when you turned the corner.”

“They were shooting at us, so we had to take a detour. Ugh, all this stress makes me hungry.” Sasha said. Of all times she would be thinking of food.

Connie added, “I thought Levi and Mikasa would definitely get them…where are they anyway?”

Jean’s face turned whiter than before from the blood loss. He swallowed, his throat dry, tasting blood instead of saliva. He turned to Armin, who was speechless as well. His blue eyes were wide and trembling. Apparently situations like these it was impossible to make a strategy.

Sasha coughed. “It doesn’t matter. I’m sure they’re fine, _right Connie?!?!_ ” She kicked Connie right in the shin, obviously not trying to be subtle about it.

Connie hissed, clutching his leg. “What the hell, Sasha!”

“ _’Do you want our covers to be blown?!’_ Don’t say my name so loudly, stupid!”

“You want a code name, Potato Girl?”

“I thought everyone was over that!” Jean tried to smile at that, but his energy was dangerously low. His adrenaline from his recent resurrection was wearing off.

“Whoa, uh, Jean-boy,” Connie said, still on the embarrassing-nickname streak, “you look like you’re going to die!” Both Jean and Armin cringed. “We can’t afford to lose…” His voice trailed off. God knows how many comrades there were that “couldn’t have afforded to lost” in the past few years.

“There’s kind of a headquarters-slash-checkpoint a few kilometers away. It’s not official, but there should be someone stationed there to help us.” Sasha said, and with that, they followed her.

Jean pressed a hand to his bloody chest, wincing as he did so. His hand rested on his heart, and felt it beating furiously. _I’m still alive…and useless. I need yet another person to keep me safe, totally risking their own lives._ His vision grew red at the edges, standing out against the bleak grey sky. _Useless._ He looked up at the clouds, and a few raindrops fell. Every time one hit his face, it felt like a cannonball had fallen on him. It started to rain, a little at first, then heavily. It pounded on his body, each hit as vicious as the next. The water seeped into his wounds, stinging but it cleansed it and his clothes, washing away the blood, but still leaving the psychological mark. It just couldn’t be cleaned out. _Not even by Squad Leader Levi, that clean freak._ Jean would have hated to admit it that tears slipped out and burned as they came into contact with the cuts on his face. _Pain on the outside is so small compared to what I feel on the inside._ Crying made him feel a little better, because at least he could release something physically. It wasn’t so manly, but at least the rain blended in. It was okay to cry anyway, he felt miserable and it was no use trying to act strong anyway. _Insufferable._ He found itharder and harder to keep his eyes open. Movements became slower, heavier, and more emphasized. Colors swirled together, and images blurred. Marco appeared in front of him, the only thing in focus. He had wings half black and white, just like the Wings of Freedom. He wasn’t even going to join the Survey Corps, just the damned M.P. _Would I have too, if Marco hadn’t…?_

“Jean.” Marco said.

“Marco…Marco…” Jean wailed. “Marco, please.”

Connie, riding beside him on his horse, looked at him in surprise. “Marco?”

“Marco.” Jean repeated, as if he was assuring Connie. But all he saw was Marco sitting next to him and gingerly touching his bare chest. “Jean…you have to survive this. Don’t die now.”

“But I did die.”

“But you lived. So live again. For me.” Marco intertwined his fingers with Jean’s, Marco’s hands almost a lifelike warm, and Jean’s slowly growing colder and colder.

“I don’t want to leave you again.” Marco got up. “Please don’t let me go. Don’t leave me.” Jean looked at their hands, his pale, and Marco’s paler…becoming more transparent by the second. “I want to be with you.” Jean never got to say it when Marco was alive. “I love you, Marco.”

“So he did…” Connie muttered. “Um, is Jean’s gay mumbling a good or bad sign?”

Marco caressed Jean’s face with his right hand, belonging to the arm that was bitten off. “I love you too, Jean.” Relief swept over Jean temporarily. He loved him back. They could have been together, alive or not. “I’ll always be here waiting, okay? I’ll watch over you, but don’t come back soon.” He cupped his chin and kissed Jean, and his vision went black.

The last thing he remembered was Connie freaking out and screaming, “Shit! We’re losing him!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hoped you liked it! I kinda don't know how the Hits work, but if 26 is good, yay! Please comment or something because I'm stupid and don't know if you're reading this. What do you think? My chapters won't be like several-thousand words long, mostly because I'm not great at descriptive writing, so it's mostly to the point.


	3. Paradise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you can't tell already, or even at the end of the chapter, Jean passes out (but doesn't die!!) and goes into a coma-like state. He's back with Marco, but it's not real angel Marco he met earlier. This is full on, life-I-could-have-led, life-I-should-have-wanted, no-seriously-what-would-they-join-if-Marco-hadn't-died paradise. I don't know myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be prepared for horrible nicknames.

> “Since I call him Jean-boy, you should call him Jean-boyfriend, Marco!” his mother teased. She and Marco laughed, while Jean merely rolled his eyes. Marco slid an arm around Jean’s waist and grinned at him, just to show that he _might_ not actually call him that.
> 
> Jean kept his arms folded tightly. “Oh my god, Mother, please. It’s a wonder why I even told you about him.”
> 
> “You weren’t gonna tell her about me?” Marco asked, putting on a fake pout. They both knew that Jean always talked about Marco with his mother, because having him was easily his greatest accomplishment. Besides, if he made Jean happy, he wouldn’t argue with his mother. “I would have never met this wonderful mother of yours.”
> 
> Jean’s mother stood on the tips of her toes (the height difference between her and Marco was even bigger than her and Jean) and pinched Marco’s freckled cheeks. “What about me? I would have never met this wonderful boyfriend of yours, Jean-boy! Tell me, Marco, how do you two ever get along?” she said.
> 
> Marco chuckled. “He’s not that bad of a hothead, Mrs. Kirstein. You’re his mother, surely he was a good son,” he said, with his ridiculously happy smile, “sometimes.”
> 
> “Rarely! He was only ever nice when I fed him and stayed out of his way. Did you know he was quite the chubby one back then?”
> 
> “Then he must have grown up nicely!” Jean watched his boyfriend and mother talk about him like he wasn’t actually standing next to them.
> 
> “Yes, Jean’s so lean and strong. And look at you!” She held Marco’s biceps in her hands. “So muscular, this one! Too bad Jean doesn’t have a nice personality to suit his nice form!”
> 
> Jean scoffed. It frustrated him seeing how cute and goody two-shoes Marco could be. He acted so innocent…at least outside the bedroom door. “I can too be nice,” Jean said. “Watch this.” He stepped closer into Marco’s arms and cupped his face. “I love you, you dork.” He pulled him in for a rough, sloppy kiss.
> 
> “Jean! Not in front of Mrs. Kirstein!” Marco said, flushing a bright red beneath his freckles.
> 
> “Marco, you don’t have to call me that.” His mother said.
> 
> “As you wish…Jean-mom.” Marco giggled with her and Jean put his face in his palm, almost puking at how lame they were with the names.
> 
> His mother smiled. “Look at you two, Jean-boy and Marco-boy…so grown up!” _My name is Jean for a reason,_ he thought. “I can’t believe you’re serving the King in the Military Police brigade. Congratulations on your hard work, you earned it. They’re so loyal and helpful–”
> 
> “…living a nice life within Wall Sina. I can’t believe I traveled all the way out here.” Jean said.
> 
> “Why are you so irritated?” Marco asked, and kissed Jean on the cheek. He smiled and relaxed a bit. Just the thought of Marco made him feel better.
> 
> “I hate the way you’re so enjoyable and your aura makes everyone feel good.” _I want you to make only me feel good._ “You’re too pleasant and nice.” Jean said, sticking his nose in the air. “It makes my normal, realistic personality seem rude.”
> 
> “You are rude.” If anyone else had said that, _like Eren fucking Jeager,_ Jean would have punched their head into their ass. But if Marco said it, at least he was being honest and somehow still adorable about it. “I don’t know why I love you.” Marco said, nuzzling his face in Jean’s fluffy, pepper-colored, two-toned hair. Jean shifted uncomfortably. _Why did Marco love him?_ Jean grew nervous until Marco added, “But I know I love you.” He pressed his soft lips to Jean’s, and he kissed back. A light kiss, but it meant so much more. “I can’t keep kissing you every time you’re a prick.”
> 
> “Shut up and kiss me.” Jean snapped, and snaked his hands around Marco’s face, fingers grabbing at his hair. They kissed, and kissed, and kissed. It was innocent until Jean slipped in some tongue. Tasting him was the best thing ever to happen. Jean wanted more of him. More. Just to taste more of Marco, to have all of Marco in him. Jean took his lip between his teeth and sucked. He gently bit down, hard enough to leave a mark. Marco smirked in the kiss and whispered, “Naughty boy.” Jean moved his kisses off Marco’s lips and made his way down to his cheeks, nose, and neck. Marco let out a tiny moan. “Jean…”
> 
> “So…this is _nice_ Jean.” His mother said, interrupting their romantic make-out session. “Well, except for the last part at the end where it turned into _lust_ Jean.”
> 
> Jean felt like he was a balloon that deflated – no, popped. “Way to ruin the moment, Mom.”
> 
> She smiled, and patted Jean on the back. “I had to, sweetheart, before my house turned into a stage set of a gay porno.” Jean blushed. He thought about it, too. He could have sent his mother out to buy food, or “something for my Jean-boy”, then he and Marco could have his childhood home to themselves, where he felt safe. The privacy was almost unreal compared to the Military Police headquarters in Sina. Just because Instructor Shadis wasn’t lurking behind their backs anymore, didn’t mean other officials weren’t. At one point, they had to do it in the stables just to get a little space. It wasn’t so bad to have horses watch. A dreamily smile spread on Jean’s lips.
> 
> Once again, a voice cut into his thoughts, making his usual scowl return to his expression. “Um, we should get going, Mrs. Kirstein.” He walked over to their front door and opened it. “I’ll get our horses ready, Jean.”
> 
> “Jean.” His mother commanded. He towered over her, his height almost twice hers. His neck ached just to look down at her. “Oh, come on, get on my level.” He bent down on one knee to come face-to-face level with his mother. “I know it’s hard for you to get along with others because you’re sarcastic and judgemental. So please don’t treat Marco like you treat other people. He’s not like other people. He’s special. I know you see it in him. I see the way you look at him. It’s as if you’re an entirely different person with him. I love you because I’m your mother, but he could leave anytime he wants.” That reality shocked Jean. He would be absolutely heartbroken if Marco ever left him. He blinked. “Mom, uh, he’s not, he’s not capable of leaving – no, he won’t – he can’t… I’m like, joking. I can’t possibly be this mean to him. I just can’t. One look at him makes me turn into a gooey, happy mess – like him.”
> 
> “Do you love him?”
> 
> “Of course I do. More than he knows.” Marco certainly does not know this. He has a hint of insecurity to his personality. If only he knew how much he felt. “He’s unique. He’s an angel sent from heaven; he’s restored my faith in humanity. He’s funny, sweet, charming, optimistic…” _And not to mention_ incredibly _good in bed, damn._ “He’s everything I’ve ever wanted…just in guy form.” _Maybe someday he’ll be Marco Kirstein…or Jean Bodt, if he wanted. As long as Marco had that hidden ability to make others happy, Jean’s happy._
> 
> “Jean, I don’t care if you bring home a boy or a girl, as long as he or she is _the one_. Make the right choice. Take care of Marco.”
> 
> “You don’t need to tell me that.”
> 
> “Travel safely, Jean.” She kissed him on his cheek. “I love you.”
> 
> “I love you too, mommy.”
> 
> She smiled. “It’s been years since you’ve said that to me.”
> 
> He grinned back. “What, the ‘I love you’ or the ‘mommy’ part?” He joined Marco outside, who was telling them things that Jean couldn’t hear. Marco was good with animals, as if his bright personality didn’t already attract humans. Jean was especially good with horses. It was like Jean and horses had some spiritual connection inside them.
> 
> “You ready to go?” Marco asked. Jean almost tripped down the front porch steps because Marco only said that phrase somewhere else…or maybe he only said it when he was with Jean, and of course, the horses.
> 
> “Yeah. Thanks for coming with me to see my mom.” Marco handed Jean the reins.
> 
> “I wouldn’t ever miss it.” Jean started to get up on the saddle, but Marco stared at him. “Uh, Jean…your mom still has mistletoe hung up from Christmas.”
> 
> Jean looked up, to see the pathetic way-past-dead leaf hanging above them. “That’s barely even considered mistletoe anymore. Or even an alive plant.”
> 
> Marco bit his lip, and Jean nearly fell off his horse. _You dirty little bastard, don’t use that move on me, as if you’re not already irresistible enough._ “Ah, but would you pass up a kiss from me?”
> 
> Grinning crazily, Jean replied, “No.” He leaned down from his position on his horse, and kissed Marco. The second his lips crashed into Marco’s, everything was gone. The sight of his mom, his house – everything – spun until they merged into one. It was a familiar feeling, of having the rug being violently ripped from under his feet. Jean tried to fight it. _No, I am_ not _going through this hellish experience again!_ Even though he wanted to stay in this realistic paradise, he knew it somehow wasn’t the actual world. Something was still going on, and it constantly nagged him from the back of his mind. _What’s_ really _happening?_ And just like that, everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Jean-mom" who am I kidding. This chapter was slightly longer because I got swept away with the kinda fluff, a tiny bit of smut (ok jk not smut smut) but yeah.


	4. Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean finds out a little more about the incident. Was he supposed to know? I can't answer that myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um, sorry to say this, but the last few chapters I've already written in advance (I had a terrible rough draft as an outline) so the next few might be delayed. And if you're reading this, self-promo time!!! Follow my aot/youtube instagram account @danisnotatitan (get the danisnotonfire reference please) and the names of my other three accounts are in its bio oops.

Jean woke up, drenched in sweat and his heart working overtime. The only thing he heard other than complete silence was his thundering heartbeat. He sighed deeply. _It was only a dream,_ he thought, _I fucking knew it. Too bad._ He wished so badly for calm like that again. Nothing was ever the same, since…since when? He tried to sit up, but his body racked in pain, and he flopped back onto the hard surface (surprisingly a bed) in defeat. _I only got shot…why am I so hurt?_ He hated feeling weak.

“H-hello?” Jean croaked, his voice echoing through the dark room. _Hello, hello, hello,_ the walls shouted back. It was eerily quiet. He slowly sat up, which took ages, and tried to figure out where he was. _I passed out…am I in a hospital?_ He waved his hands in front of him but he couldn’t see them. _Is this real life? Or did I die and this darkness is some kind of waiting room?_

When he was about to give up and wait until he actually died, he heard voices approaching, and the faintest hint of light seeped in cracks of what seemed to be a door. “M-marco?” he asked, and stumbled towards the commotion in pain. _If this is some waiting room, Marco should be waiting for me over there and we can have heaven babies._ He felt a door, and he leaned his weight against it from the excruciating stabs he felt in his gut. He was about to open it when the conversation he had been hearing continued.

“…shot…few minutes…dead.” The voice, which Jean recognized as Armin, said. He pressed his ear to the door to hear better. It still hurt to put any pressure on his sides, so he was resting on his head on the door, while having his feet perched a meter away from him.

“Dead? But, but how?” He assumed it was Sasha by the way it sounded like something was being stuffed in her mouth, probably bread. He would have groaned at the fact that Sasha was prioritizing food, but it was _the fact_ that she _was_ , and someone was being herself again.

“Eren died, but he was a Titan shifter…unless Jean’s a Titan too.” Connie said. “Don’t give me that look, Armin, I already know. Take a joke. God, there’s no sense of humor here anymore.” Armin was presumably still giving him the look because Connie added, “You never know. You figured out Annie was the Female Titan, and you made it seem obvious. Reiner, Bertholdt and Ymir, too…” He stopped. It was no longer funny.

“Anyway, while Jean was still… _dead_ , Mikasa was furious.” Armin continued.

“They just started to connect. A _thing_ is forming between them.” Sasha said. Jean wanted to say that was true.

“She had to get rid of the woman either way. She was going to shoot all of us. She was this close to cutting her head off–”

“Do you think she could just kill someone like that?” Sasha asked. _Of course, have you seen how ruthless she is? How did she even become so badass? You can’t just_ be _that good. It was probably something in her past that triggered this. It’s gotta be something to do with Eren, too. That kid’s rage was off the chart._

Armin probably gave her a look because he didn’t answer, but said, “All of a sudden Mikasa flew back, and I saw blood shooting out, and that’s when I realized she had shot her.”

“What?! No way! Mikasa?” Connie exclaimed. _No shit, Connie._

Armin was most likely done with their random outbursts of useless comments. If he was Armin, he definitely would be done. “She doesn’t stand a chance against guns, unfortunately. It takes a Corporal Levi to dodge bullets like that. She’s powerful, but not so much on using it to defend. The woman jumped off and they crashed into this building or alley, and other M.P.’s swarmed them.” Armin added, with a hint of regret in his voice, “I was going to stop and help, but Squad Leader Levi came and told me to keep going.”

“Mikasa _and_ Heichou can definitely hold them off.”

“That’s what I was thinking, but with a severely injured Mikasa against some of the greatest assassins, the chances aren’t so high.”

“Why do you say ‘severely injured’?”

“I…I wouldn’t say she died. She’s always been tough.” Mikasa must’ve been really intimidating, but Armin sounded as if those words were to comfort him. “Mikasa was practically a blur, so I’m not sure where exactly, but she couldn’t have been shot…in the heart, like Jean…” Jean touched his chest simultaneously and felt his crusty gash of a wound. It felt disgusting, but it was a mark to show he wasn’t dead (again).

Sasha said, “Which still doesn’t explain how he survived.” _It’s not like I know either,_ Jean thought.

“Honestly, I really thought he was dead, so I was about to ditch his body – for good intentions – and fight. That was when Jean woke up, er, came back.” _Is his revival a good or bad thing to Armin?_ “He was delusional, and extremely confused. It was hard telling him that Mikasa died–”

“Because Jean loves Mikasa.” Connie finished. _Shut up Connie, that’s not even grammatically correct._

Armin completely ignored Connie’s remark, _good guy Armin._ “He reacted like I did when Eren died. He was blaming himself, feeling useless, wanting to die…” Jean was upset at how out loud, it made him look like a pansy. Maybe he was acting like one. “He was bleeding a lot and I didn’t want him to die again.” Jean thought of when Armin said, _We don’t need you dying. Again._ He scowled.

“I blame myself.” Armin said. Jean couldn’t see it, but he knew Connie and Sasha whipped up their heads in surprise, just like he had done.

“What, why?” Sasha asked.

“I…had a gun myself. I don’t remember how I got it, but I had it, hidden underneath my cloak. It wasn’t as powerful as the Military Police guns, but still…” Armin lowered his voice. “I could have turned around and shot her, but I didn’t.” Armin’s voice faltered, and was so quiet Jean was pressing into the door just to hear. “We lost both Mikasa and Jean. Well, Jean came back on pure luck, but…” He sighed. “I could have saved them both, no deaths or resurrections involved.”

The old door – damn it for belonging to a structure so rickety and worn – caved in underneath Jean’s weight, and he fell through, right at Armin, Connie, and Sasha’s feet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooh, that was a pretty short chapter. (What's a desired chapter length for y'all?) PLEASE COMMENT. YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO NOT BE ANONYMOUS. CAN SOMEONE TELL ME THEY'VE READ IT. JFC. LEAVE SOME REVIEW OR I WILL KICK DOWN YOUR BEDROOM DOOR AND BEAT YOU UP LIKE LEVI DID TO EREN. EXCEPT MY AIM IS NOT TO WIN YOU OVER. ok maybe it is. I'm trying to win your love <3333333


	5. Commander Pervert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean finds some new information. Also, he feels almost violated around Commander Erwin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, a title that's not a one word adjective?!?! This one's quite long, and if you don't like subtle hinting of ErwinxJean, stop reading. It's an...interesting ship.

At first, Jean wanted to cry. Mostly because he had spent a lot of time in complete darkness, and when a door breaks and sends you spiraling into a well-lit room, your eyes aren’t so happy. They burned. Like hell. Jean slammed his palms to cover his eyes and withered in pain. He wasn’t being immature, no. It was like looking into heaven after being “rescued from the darkness”, without the whole angel part. It was just bright. No explanation needed.

“Jean!” they all said in unison. Not only was Jean temporarily blinded (not exaggerated, it was like the opposite of going blind), but he had landed on his sore ribs and he saw stars. His head spun more.

“He’s still out of it,” Connie said. “Once he’s okay he can put on some clothes.” Jean squinted intensely and noticed he was only wearing ripped, torn, blood-stained underwear that barely concealed his privates. He was too dazed to care that it offered little warmth, too. “I-I…”

Sasha whispered to Armin. “Do you think he heard? About the gun?” He shrugged and said something back to her. _Was I not supposed to know about this ‘secret’?_ Armin turned to him. “Jean, how do you feel…about what happened with Mikasa?”

How did he feel? Really damn crappy, first of all. And at this point he didn’t even care if Armin would have shot that woman or not. For all he cared, he wouldn’t give a shit about if that woman escaped or not. _Okay, you lying fucker, you give one shit. Two shits even. You can’t get away with shooting me_ and _Mikasa._ “I…” Armin, Sasha, and Connie leaned in, waiting for his response. “I blame Mikasa.” The three shared a look amongst them, most likely a why-is-he-blaming-Mikasa-and-not-himself-or-Armin-not-that-he-should-it’s-just-that-why-blame-her look, and stared back at him. “She shouldn’t have stepped in and died herself. Should’ve just let me died. Or lived. It’s not like her death affected my…undeath.” No one bothered to correct him.

“We don’t know that she _died,_ ” Sasha said, going off Armin’s hypothesis he had stated earlier.

“It couldn’t have been a vital organ.” Connie supposed. Jean knew they were totally just repeating Armin’s words in different ways, but hey, they tried.

“She’s strong, she can survive that.” Sasha continued.

“She had Squad Leader Levi to protect her.” Connie replied.

“Jean, don’t do this to yourself.” Armin said. “Mikasa would have saved anyone. And you can’t say ‘what if she didn’t save me’ because we don’t know what would have happened if we had done something different. All we can do is believe in the choice we made.” He flashbacked to when Armin had told him similar: _Everyone can make a choice after they have learned what it will result in. It is so easy to say we should have done it this way afterwards. But you can’t know what your choice will result in before actually choosing._

There was a few seconds of silence. Footsteps echoed against the doors, and Commander Erwin emerged from around the corner. “Commander!” the four chimed, and saluted, slamming their right fist on their chest and their left arm folded behind their backs. Jean mentally cursed when he slapped his hand on his huge gaping wound.

Erwin raised an eyebrow at Jean. He mentally cringed when he realized he was offering his heat to his commander…with barely any clothes on. He looked Jean up and down, eyeing every centimeter of his body and his gaze lingered on his exposed crotch. Jean felt himself turn red, embarrassed and feeling violated. He subconsciously clasped his hands to cover himself.

Erwin shook his head. “Don’t…don’t salute me anymore. I’m not your high almighty commander here.” Armin, Sasha, and Connie lowered their hands as well. “As much as I want to continue our mission, we have to retreat. It’s inevitable. Our plan has been thrown out the window. If we try to use any back-up plan and press any further, the tiny number of soldiers we have left will be reduced to zero.” He frowned at the teenagers’ saddened but still ridiculously determined faces. They were almost offended by the fact they had to fall back and leave their people behind. “Eren and Historia will not die. They’re too valuable; it would be foolish to kill them.” He reassured them.

“What about Corporal and Mikasa?” Jean asked. He couldn’t help but ask. It was always on the top of his mind, how could he forget he caused this?

“If I knew, I wouldn’t have told you, like I always do when I’m one step ahead. But I don’t know, so I can’t. It is unknown of their status. If they had died, someone would have found them. Word would spread easily if the best man of the entire Survey Corps was to be found slaughtered.” _Um, word would spread easily too if it was Mikasa. Corporal’s not the only best soldier!_ Jean thought. “The chances are high that they were able to escape. If Mikasa was only wounded, they would need to flee to safety, without contacting us for many reasons. But there is another possibility that they were kidnapped.”

Jean opened his mouth, but no words came out. “Dinner will be ready soon. And put on some clothes, Jean. You’d freeze out here and we need every able-bodied solder we can get.” Erwin clamped his hand on Jean’s shoulder, sending shivers own his back. Erwin once again examined his bare body before disappearing into another room down the corridor, brushing Jean’s side as he removed his hand.

Armin and Connie glanced at Jean to see what Commander Erwin was intently staring at. The two boys decided it was best not to say his underwear was quite thin and loose from being stretched out, and that it was _not at all_ covering anything. Jean was giving a full show of what his privates looked like, and the poor thing didn’t even know. Luckily it was the only part of him that wasn’t caked in dry blood. The four of them walked down the corridor in silence, but Armin and Connie were trying to remember if Commander Erwin had showed any interest in males.

* * *

“If Corporal was here, he would have called you a filthy brat and told you to clean yourself.” Hanji said as she handed Jean a new uniform set. “But I really think you should take a bath. Washroom’s down the hall.” He quickly thanked her and raced past her; the thought of cleanliness was ecstatic, even if he wasn’t obsessed with getting rid of germs.

He stared at the tub, nearly filled to the brim, water glistening and reflecting the incoming sunlight. He sighed, removed his only piece of clothing, and tossed it on the other side of the room. It’s not like he wanted it back anyway. Some nurses provided him an extra set of clothing and – thankfully – a fresh pair of underwear. He held his breath and stuck one leg in the water. Freezing cold water, in fact. It was colder than standing in the corridor. _I thought the nurses prepared the water, wouldn’t they know it’s fucking cold?_ He bit his lip and slid the rest of his body into the water. He sharply inhaled and ended up gnawing on his lip with such intensity it bled a little. He sunk in to his neck, and the water turned a grey-red from the debris and blood that coated his body.

“I’m sitting in my own filth.” Jean said aloud, with no one to hear. “I _am_ filth.”

Once again, he thought about how he felt. No matter how many times he addressed the issue, his heart refused to tell him what his emotions said. Did he feel guilty? Did he feel remorseful? Angry? _Happy?!_ Truthfully, he felt nothing. And with his sore body and pained mind, he felt numb from the pain and confusion. Every day was a big blur, and instead of trying to make sense of it, he just went with the flow. He’d stopped thinking, since it was no use. Everything he believed in was a lie. He did things in the spur of the moment, and hoped it was the right move. No matter what he did, it would all lead up to his death. He probably wouldn’t even know if he was about to die. _You’re good at judging the situation correctly. You always clearly know what you’re supposed to do, don’t you?_ Marco’s words always haunted him.

“I’m sorry, Marco. I failed you.” _I failed everyone._ Memories flooded his mind, from his childhood and the omelets and his mom and the Military Police and the Titan attack and the training days and the headbutt and the 3Dmanuever gear and Eren as a Titan and Marco’s body and the pyre and the Survey Corps and the Female Titan and the walls and Ymir and Reiner and Bertholdt – _why the fuck is everyone a Titan_ – and Historia and everything. Just everything he saw and heard and felt. He remembered everything. Every little thing his senses picked up was burning into his mind. _Make it stop,_ he thought. _I can’t even think. I have no time to sort these things out anymore._ He gritted his teeth and tangled his fingers in his hair, trying to rip it out so he could get to his hurting head. He slumped into the bathtub and all of him went underwater, forcing water to spill over the edges as he did.

He looked at the surface above him. The lighter parts of his hair swayed in the water like they were free in the wind. The surface, the air surrounding it, it still looked like water. Even _in_ water, it was like looking _up_ was looking _down_ at water. He felt like when he thought he was finally at his destination, he was lost again. It reminded him of the phrase “the grass is always greener on the other side”. He blinked and let air bubbles slip out of his mouth. He moved his hands around, slow against the water resistance. He poked his hand through the surface and met the cold air. He had gotten used to the cold water. The air was rough and _rude_ but the water was so fluid and welcoming. _The world is so beautiful. And mysterious. I wonder what’s outside these walls I once called big and impenetrable. Once I wanted to stay in the interior, but now I can’t help but want to go there. If a Titan ate me, I’d die with honor. If people died that way, only they would be at fault. If I hadn’t joined the Survey Corps, I would never get a chance to explore the outside. The world must be so beautiful…I don’t deserve to see it, to be in it._

He closed his eyes and saw the water with his heart and not his eyes. His lungs started to scream for air, but he ignored the growing pain. He ran his fingers through his hair, expecting it to be wet, but since he was already in water, everything felt “dry”. Water is hard to explain.

_Am I ready to leave this unexplainable world behind? I’m throwing away my only chance to understand this earth._

His eyes shot open and saw a mysterious figure through the ripples.

_What?_

Something pierced the water and grabbed him. It pulled him out and he sat there, gasping desperately for air, his wet hair clinging to his face. He realized he was being watched. He looked, and saw who was looking at him.

“Commander Erwin!” he screamed, and trashed in the water. _How embarrassing! First he sees me totally zoned out, in my boxers, and now he sees me completely naked spending my last moments in a bathtub!_

“What were you doing?” he asked, concern and a Levi-like firmness in his voice.

“T-taking a bath…” Jean obviously lied. It’s not like he could have said, _“Oh, you know, drowning myself. What about you?”_

Erwin’s expression didn’t change. If it did, his eyebrows would have gave it away. “I know we’re all beat about this Levi thing.” He said, drying his hand with a towel. _Goddammit, it’s like I spent these past years trying to impress an imaginary girl._

Jean avoided eye contact with him, and he noticed the water was still pretty clear, and was settling. It was like looking through glass. He stealthily pulled his legs to his chest.

“I don’t know if this would make you feel better,” Erwin said, reaching into his jacket’s inside pocket. “But this was found.” He pulled out a red scarf. Jean stared at it with wide eyes. Mikasa had mentioned it as a gift of some sort, but he couldn’t ask her or Eren without seeming intrusive. Armin probably didn’t know either because it seemed like a thing between them since they were family.

“Commander, that doesn’t make me feel better. At all. It doesn’t answer anything.”

Erwin got up and headed towards the door. “I know,” he turned around and stared at Jean in the tub. He eyed a certain area of Jean. “Soon it will become a factor to consider.”

“Sir, what would you consider it as?”

“Hmm?” Erwin stopped, his hand on the doorknob.

“What do you think…it means?”

“What do I think…” Erwin said, his tongue rolling on each word. “It was found three kilometers away from when she and Levi disappeared with Kenny’s henchwoman. I doubt Mikasa died, because a dead body wouldn’t leave an accessory all the way over there. Plus, she and Levi are extremely skilled. If they were kidnapped, they’ve given a hell of a fight and are probably very weak.” Jean looked out the window, and wondered what they could be going through right now. Erwin slipped out of the room, and took something with him.

Jean got out of the bath and dried himself off. He reached for his underwear and noticed they were missing. _What?_ He considered using his blood-stained rag, but then, probably not. He shrugged it off and dressed in the military uniform, wearing everything properly except for underwear. It was slightly uncomfortable when the belts around his thighs wrapped around his unclothed penis. He felt sensitive, like the belts were going to strangle his length or something. In a way, it felt liberating. He felt _free_ , and almost pleasurable. The tightness around his crotch was disturbing on a level that he almost got hard on it. _Maybe I should go commando more often._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally came up with a good ending...And if you're extremely mad at it, I have extra good news. Stay tuned! Writing in the moment....  
> ~  
> if you want to contact me and like idk, give advice or whatever:  
> kik: its_simply_erica  
> ig: @erica.santos @the_alpacalypse @philtops @danisnotatitan (as you can see i like youtubers especially dan and phil)  
> snapchat: @aricasuntoast  
> twitter: @ratchetphan  
> tumblr: cartonner.tumblr.com
> 
> contact me!! i promise i'll reply!


	6. Talk Over Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean, Armin, Sasha, Connie, and the rest of the Survey Corps members are treated to a fancy feast. They talk about issues and Jean gets it through his thick horse-shaped head that Commander Erwin might like him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NEWS: There will be about two or three more chapters left. Depends on how much I can stretch this out.

Jean spotted Armin, Sasha, and Connie sitting at the dinner tables. As he walked over to them, he ran his hand through his hair. The feel of his hair made him feel relieved. For once it was something that made him feel better. It was no longer stiff from dry blood, and it felt healthy, and smelled like nice flowers – he had taken a secret second bath; why waste the opportunity to finally suds up? His hair was damp, from water and not dirt and blood, and it fluffed up and stuck up in random places instead of being his usual flat hair.

"Whoa," Connie said as he sat down, "Nice hair."

"Excuse me?" Jean asked, snarling. _If you've come to make fun of my hair you can go fuck yourself._  
"What he means is," Sasha explained, grabbing another breadstick from the appetizers bowl. "Your hair looks cute."

"Cute?" _That's new. A_ certain someone _would just say I looked like a horse._

"It looks carefree." The boys gave Sasha a weird look. "I can't explain it. It makes you seem less serious." Only Jean gave her a look, this time a look that said he was confused and a little bit offended. "Not that I don't take you seriously, it just looks silly – no, I…it makes you look nicer. Nice hair." She shut herself up by stuffing large pieces of bread in her mouth. _Smart move, Potato Girl._

Armin turned to Jean, his blue eyes sparkling. He had never seen him so enlightened. _Was it because of a bath I took? Why is he acting like he was the one who finally took a bath?_ "How do you feel, Jean?"

Jean stroked his arm and almost cried because he had never felt so clean. "Better. A lot better. I feel…cleansed, like I've been baptized or whatever."

He smiled. "That's good. You definitely are looking better. Now it's like you have a fresh mind as well."

Jean straightened his back. "If I have a fresh mind, I can take your opinions with no object. What do you think about what Commander Erwin said?"

Armin's smile faltered. "Commander Erwin? He didn't tell us anything. We barely see him now."

Connie added, "Yeah, he literally just came out of the hallway to the bathrooms and storerooms, holding something in his hand, and went straight to his office."

Sasha sipped from her cup of water. "He slammed his door really loud. And he hasn't come out since."

Jean was about to inquire further, but something stopped him – it stopped everyone. The aroma of roast chicken, and other delicious smelling foods violated the noses of the soldiers. Everyone could say that they drooled at just the scent of it. Some members and people who owned the building came out of the kitchen, carrying plates of hot, steaming food.

"I hope you got full off those damn breadsticks, Sasha." Connie said, pausing in between to swallow his spilling saliva.

"Nope, still hungry. No way am I letting you have my share of this...this food heaven." Sasha said.

"I don't think anyone would," Armin sighed dreamily. His eyes watered. Even a smart kid like him can't think on an empty stomach. "Who would turn down this bountiful feast? Wow, I don't remember the last time I had _that_." The four looked at a plate displaying caviar and Peking duck.

"Holy shit, that's really fucking rare. Where did they even get this?" Jean said. _And why the whole works?_ The psychotic part of his mind – we all have that part of our minds – sneered, _You're having the last dinner of your life._ He stared down at the plate that was placed in front of him. It was fancier than what they usually ate on, and it was new – not a single scratch or chip. He grimaced at the fact that his sinister part could be right. _Oh, please._ his conscious battled. For some reason, his conscious spoke in Marco's voice. It was pretty clever to use that because he would do anything that Marco would tell him to do – it was the right thing to do too. _If the Survey Corps wanted to serve you your last dinner, they should have done that every night. And morning. Literally your next meal could always be your last._ He smirked. Good guy Marco defeats inner asshole (the more asshole-y Jean than his regular asshole). _Touché,_ he thought.

If he had said this out loud, everyone would have said he'd gone insane because he argued with two other voices that belonged to him.

All three voices shut up when food was passed around and put on his plate. No one talked because they were too busy shoveling food down their throats. There was even a chance to get _seconds. Fucking second servings._ It was just like old times. Before those gay shits Reiner and Bertholdt (they were 110% together) had to fuck shit up. Before Jean could meet some of his closest friends, even if he came off as some sarcastic jerk who couldn't get along with anyone.

The soldiers ate in silence, the only sounds heard was the clinking of silverware against flatware and small murmurs of "pass the salt" and "don't fucking hog the beef, Sasha". Jean stopped temporarily so he wouldn't eat too fast and have his precious food come up the way it went down. He brought his mug up to his lips, and went the water slide down his throat. He looked around and made eye contact with Commander Erwin, who was staring him down intensely. He almost spat out his water. He quickly looked away and lowered his head.

"What's up with Commander Erwin?" Jean asked his friends, hoping they’d know what he meant.

"He's pretty depressed about Levi." Connie said. "A-and Mikasa, of course."

"Yeah, I know." Jean said. "He told me while I was in the bath."

"Bath?" Armin said. "Tell us about the news."

He told them he had come into the washroom (he decided to leave out the suicide attempt) and told him about Mikasa's scarf. Connie and Armin glanced at each other when he added, “I think he saw my naked body when I was in the tub.”

Oblivious to whatever Connie and Armin knew, Sasha said, "Kidnapping sounds like the best theory." Jean looked at her. "Better than saying they’re dead."

"That makes so much more sense." Connie said. "Not just the kidnapping part, but I think that confirms that Commander Erwin and Corporal Levi were in love."

"But Corporal's _so_ short!" Sasha screamed, and laughed. It was pretty comical that Commander was taller than Corporal by a good 28 centimeters. _Wow, I wonder who tops…_ Jean thought to himself, sarcasm breaching his personal conversation. _Jean, shut up. Just shut up, please,_ his Marco-conscious pleaded. _I wonder if you or I would top, Marco._ He thought to his conscious (still himself). _Come on, Kirstein, we all know I would,_ another voice said, neither Jean, Marco-conscious, or his sinister self (still Jean). It was like Marco himself penetrated his thoughts.

Jean declared he should not think to himself anymore and tuned in to some _actual_ conversation.

"They trust each other and are really close. Best friends make great couples." Armin said, smiling to himself behind his hand. Jean squinted at him. _Fucking Eren. I knew it. He's literally fucking Eren._  
"Think about it. Commander is the only person Corporal will seriously listen to. And they had some hate thing in their past. You know what they say, 'If a boy is mean to you, that means he likes you,'" Connie said.

"You're mean to me." Sasha said.

"I-I…why would I…no…" Connie sputtered, turning a bright shade of red. _I swear, everyone has this relationship with someone else. Sasha and Connie? Ew! Armin and Eren? It’s creepy, but he could see it. They surely were best friends when they were innocent and little, otherwise Armin would have ditched that hothead personality of Eren's._ Jean sighed. _Too bad my other half is dead._

"So Commander Erwin must be really sad because Corporal Levi is missing." Jean thought aloud. "He must be pretty lonely. He doesn’t have anyone to trust anymore, even though he barely let Corporal know about his plans…what if he starts eyeing someone else?" Jean rambled on and on about how he pitied Commander, how he could like someone as old as Corporal, and if he had found a younger parter, until Connie and Armin shared a concerned look. He passed it off as just a glance…yet he still didn’t realize.

 _Commander Erwin has hots for you, stupid,_ Marco-conscious said.

Oh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear if you don't comment I will make the next chapter as painfully smut as possible and I know that ErwinxJean is an in te rsTING ship SO I WILL MAKE IT SO. AND I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE READING THIS. PEOPLE FROM SCHOOL. AHEM AND PEI IF YOU DON'T COMMENT I WILL NOT WRITE YOU AN X READER.


	7. It's Not the Same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Commander Erwin invites Jean to his office and receives some news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok it's not like that, i'm bad at writing smut lol

The soldiers helped the housekeepers (their official title is not known, they could be nurses or government officials of regular civilians) clean up. They stacked piles of dirty dishes and dispose of leftover scraps, and put them in the giant sink, where the housekeepers washed them. Jean had never felt so stuffed since he was a child. He remembered he would bang his small hands on the table until his mother brought him food. _Good thing I lost all of that fat when I grew up,_ he thought. _Everything would have been way more difficult if I was still a constantly hungry monster. Like Sasha._ He noticed that no one was fat. Well, of course no one in the military was. Imagine trying to fasten your belts!

 _Speaking of belts…_ Every step Jean took to transfer the dishes, his belts tightened. With every slight movement, they shifted and slid around his thighs, and every time it felt him up, his breathing became hitched and ragged. His belts wrapped around his crotch and Jean moved slower and bit his lip to keep from moaning. _Belts make you hard…that’s a new low, Jean!_ Who knew the subtraction of underwear made such a difference? His belts grabbed at him, and it felt all too real, like human hands rubbing his inner thighs and teasing him. Immediately he pictured Marco, on his knees and hugging his legs as he ran his tongue along him. He felt like he was burning and steaming; his cheeks hurt from being so red. Jean wiped sweat from his forehead and tugged at his collar with his finger, and loosened the buckles on his belts. _I am not going to have a sexual fantasy about my dead crush…at least not right now…_ He pulled the skirt-like apron down; no one needs to see he was turned on by his gear palming him. _They won’t buy “food boners” as an excuse, would they?_

It was getting harder (no pun intended) to move around with his belts wrapping around his legs and hips. _I should thank Commander Erwin for stealing my underwear._ He laughed to himself, and it turned into a gasping squawk when a hand landed roughly on his shoulder. His gaze traveled up the connected arm and looked into Erwin’s icy blue eyes. _Holy Maria, Rose, and Sina, I didn’t fucking mean I’d actually thank him!_

“C-C-Comm-m-mander Er-Erwin!” Jean nearly screamed. Very rarely he stuttered and only happened when he was very nervous in his childhood, and it was the absolute wrong time for that problem to resurface.

“Come to my office later. Perhaps in 10 minutes.” He growled into his ear, and walked away.

Jean stood there, mentally screaming at himself, for a good minute. _Did I just hear what I think I heard? His office? 10 minutes? “TO”?!_ He was in a state of panic and confusion. He hadn’t felt this excited (not in a good way) since Marco said he had to talk with him. Turns out, all he needed was help on how to put on his belts since he had fallen asleep during Instructor Shadis’ lecture. This time it was different. So much more different.

He felt a tap on his shoulder, and stopped breathing, thinking it was Commander Erwin again. He shrank into himself and shut his eyes until he saw colored stars behind his eyelids. He sensed the person walk to the front of him and say, "Did I scare you?"

He reluctantly opened his eyes and his shoulders fell. Armin. "No. What's up?"

He said, "I got us a room to sleep in tonight. It's the third room on the right down that hallway." He gestured towards a hallway, where a small crowd of people made their way towards.

"Thanks. You can go ahead; I'll be there in a few minutes." Armin's expression said he was questioning his words. "Uh, I'm going to help wash the dishes." Both of them knew that almost all of them were clean now, but Armin decided not to corner Jean on his suspicious behavior.

"Okay, then. Goodnight, Jean."

"Goodnight, Armin." The blond boy disappeared into the crowd. Jean sighed in relief, even though the problem was far from over.

Later that night, after Jean had counted to sixty ten times in a row, he dragged his feet over to Commander Erwin’s office. He found himself standing outside the door. _I could turn back now._ He brought his hand up and made a fist against the wood. _C’mon, Jean, just walk away…_ He knocked three times. _Jean motherfucking Kirstein what are you doing._ Nothing happened. _Run. Run far away. Now._

“Come in.” _Too slow._

Jean walked in, to find Commander Erwin sitting at his desk, writing in his reports journal by a single candle. The flickering flame illuminated his features, and it made him look ever so intimidating, but by the shadows forming on the other side of his face, he looked broken. He looked up at Jean’s entrance, and only then he noticed the dark circles under his eyes. Jean sat down in a chair on the other side of his desk, and remained on the edge, as if ready to bolt out of there if anything got out of hand.

“I know how Mikasa’s absence has been affecting you…well, Levi’s has been bothering me too.” Erwin started with. “Actually, it’s been a huge blow to us all. Our best soldiers…” Jean realized how many great soldiers died as well. He remembered hearing Corporal Levi’s Special Operations Squad being brutally murdered by The Female Titan. He had handpicked this people to work with him: Petra Ral, Oluo Bozado, Eld Jinn and Gunther Schultz.

Jean remembered Connie claiming Commander Erwin and Corporal Levi were together. “Um, permission to speak freely…?” He gave Jean a look that obviously meant yes. “Are you and Corporal Levi…?” He tried to avoid using past tense words, because both of them extremely wanted Mikasa and Corporal Levi were okay.

He sighed. “I’m guessing it was quite obvious, but yes, we’re in a relationship. When I first met him, he was an underdog thug living on the streets, and I forced him to join the Survey Corps. He was very skilled – the rumors about him training with Captain Kenny Ackerman are probably true – but he was quite difficult to work with. Naturally, he relied on me more often and we trusted each other.”

 _Yeah, you trust him, but you barely tell him any more about your plans than us,_ Jean thought.

“And who do I trust now? I’m just so worried about him.” He ran his hand through his scraggly, messy hair. He attempted to fold his arms, only to remind himself he only had one.

“I know Squad Leader is fine. He’s strong, remember? And so are you.” Jean said.

Erwin got up and paced in anticipation. “And Mikasa…surely you’re worried about her, too.”

Jean’s old thoughts from earlier resurfaced. She had sacrificed herself in revenge for me, who is still alive. _But it’s very, very likely she is too. Possibly kidnapped, but alive._ He still cared for her, but he had learned to tame his undying love (aside from Marco). She had only started to warm up around him, but it wasn’t anything special. Jean hoped that after all this, she’d forgive him for sending her into all this. “Yes, but actually, it’s not the same–”

Erwin slammed his fist on the table and swooped into Jean’s face. “ _Of course it’s not the same!_ ” He knew it wasn’t, Commander wasn’t thinking that he’d caused Levi’s (maybe) death. He closed his eyes and sighed, his shoulders relaxing. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. Maybe I’m going crazy…” He chuckled.

“You’re not alone, then. No one expected our situation to get this messed up.” Jean replied. _I thought this was just about killing Titans – wow, I sound like Eren – and then we had to get into that damn basement to find out the secret to what made him, Annie, Reiner, Bertholdt, Ymir, and possibly a lot of other people able to Titan shift. What is our objective now?_

Erwin circled around Jean, who was uncomfortably sitting in his chair. “Everyone has become our enemy. It’s like we have no time to relax.” He trailed a finger along Jean’s shoulders. “I have an idea. This will make you feel better.” He laughed and squeezed his shoulders in a sort of (creepy) massage, making him squirm under his grip.

Beads of sweat rolled down Jean’s forehead. “This isn’t really helping, Commander.” He got up and ran for the door. Erwin snatched his arm, twisting it behind his back, and he whimpered in pain. He pushed Jean to the wall, and he slammed into the bookcase. Two small books fell to the floor from the impact.

“It’ll make me feel better.” Jean looked around frantically in means of escape. He couldn’t avoid Erwin’s expression. He couldn’t describe it, either. It was almost desperate. Even so, his grip was as strong as ever, and he moved in closer.

The door flew open, letting in a stream of light from the other rooms. A man stood in the doorway. “Commander Erwin! Urgent news!” Jean looked at the man in lights of hope. _A miracle, please take me away from here._

Erwin snapped his head towards him. “Can’t this wait?!” He snarled.

“It’s about Corporal Levi, sir.” Jean felt his grip soften. Erwin threw him to the side, sending him stumbling to the floor. He glided towards the man. “Make whatever you think of this, but this was found.” He held up a cloth, and Erwin’s eyes widened. _I’m guessing it’s that handkerchief-like thing from Corporal’s outfit. Not sure what it’s called, but it’s his._

Erwin held it in his hands, as if it was a delicate newborn. He trembled at the sight of it, like it was the last piece of Levi he’d ever get. “I thought I’d never see this so dirty…” He wouldn’t allow a speck of filth to remain on him for more than a minute. Erwin sighed. “Get out.” The man, most likely a messenger, nodded and left. He turned to Jean, and repeated a bit louder. “Get out.”

He ran out with no complaints.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had such a hard time writing this and i kept starting over. also, this chapter may seem less serious than the others and somewhat humorous. i kinda blame that on hetalia. gosh i love that anime. maybe i'll write a hetalia fic idk. should i? LEAVE A COMMENT. as i wrote this i kept envisioning erwin as germany and jean's expressions as italy's.. oops. it's kinda hard to watch hetalia without shipping anything.
> 
> p.s. this fanfic is nearing the end!! good bc july 9 (chapter 59's release) is coming out soon and i want to finish it before i know what REALLY happens.


	8. Taken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While trying to get to another headquarters, the Military Police/Captain Kenny Ackerman's men kidnap Jean, and force him to make a life-changing decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok i had no idea chapter 59 came out so quickly, so if you'd really like the full intensity, try not to read the chapter before this, so you're not like "0mg!! datz not what happund!1!1!one!! sadistic dbag!!!"

Suddenly growing waves of sleepiness overcame Jean as he wandered through the compound. His wounds still hurt, but the pain was finally less than the stress inside his mind. _Today was too chaotic, more confusing than usual. I need a fucking break._

He quietly opened the door to his room. It was nearly midnight and everyone needed rest. Connie was tuckered out on one bunk, sprawled amongst the covers and his leg hanging off the edge. Armin was reading a book by candlelight. He presumed he got his knowledge from books, and he would definitely indulge himself in one, especially since the opportunity to get a book is so rare. Sasha was nowhere to be found, but Jean assumed she must be in another room with other women as roommates.

Armin noticed his presence. "Hi, Jean," His lips twisted to the side as he brushed away some blond hair that had fallen between his eyes. "Are you okay? You look like you saw something that wasn't supposed to happen."

 _Oh, Armin, I was_ part _of something that wasn't supposed to happen. I was violated._ Jean shrugged. "Nothing's wrong. I'm fine."

Armin, being the smart kid he was, knew something was up, but it wasn't exactly his business so he left Jean to it. "By the way, some nurses left some bandages to change."

"Oh. Thank you." Armin nodded. After a few minutes, he had read the last page and closed the book, heading off to sleep to fully absorb the words.

Jean pulled off the bandages wrapped around his chest. His bullet wound was still a nasty-looking crater in his chest, but there were no signs of infection and all bleeding had stopped, leaving only dry streaks of red on his skin. He rubbed it off and touched the edges of his cut the bullet had carved. He winced; it felt crusty from the torn skin and his flesh was still sensitive. He applied some antiseptic that was provided, and gritted his teeth at the mild stings he felt and he covered it up with the bandage.

Jean put his head to the pillow and fell asleep instantly, forgetting how dire sleep was and how good a bed felt. All his troubles melted away as he once again drifted to dreamland.

* * *

The three boys woke up to a rude knocking on the door. Startled, they jumped to their feet as Hanji poked her head in and said, "Get dressed. We're leaving."

Connie grabbed his belts and harnesses and asked, "Leaving? Where are we going?"

"We can't stay here long without people finding out our whereabouts." She said. "We're moving to another base, then we'll continue our mission to rescue Eren and Historia."

Armin cut in. "And get Mikasa and Squad Leader Levi." Jean nearly forgot how stressed Armin was because both his best friends were missing. It must be tough oh him. But Armin was stronger.

Hanji nodded. "Of course." She closed their door and went to wake up the others. They quickly fastened their belts (and Jean found a pair of underwear to wear, sadly) and dressed in their gear.

* * *

The Survey Corps members gathered outside, but were in smaller discreet groups to avoid drawing attention. The soldiers were being loaded onto carts to travel to their new destination.

Some groups started to take off and soon Jean did too. Only a minute in, gunshots were heard and bodies were falling.

"What's happening?" Jean asked, looking behind them as Armin urged the horses to go faster.

Commander Erwin appeared at the front of their formation, shouting, "It's the Military Police! Spread out among me and the other superiors. We'll meet at the new headquarters."

Armin took a detour to follow Squad Leader Hanji, but some of the Military Police – and even Captain Kenny Ackerman's henchmen were on their tails. One cart in particular sped up so quickly it was nearly next to theirs.

"Shit, Armin, Connie, Sasha! Ditch the cart and switch to 3DMgear!" Jean ordered. "It'll be risky but we might lose them!"

They swung off in different directions, grabbing on to nearby buildings with their grappling hooks. If the situation wasn't so intense, they'd have looked beautiful, flying in the air.

Jean turned to find himself face-to-face with several enemies with guns pointed to his face. He stood there on the cart, ready to leave, but he remained there with his swords.

"Don't move an inch." one of them said, sliding his finger over the trigger.

Jean flashbacked to when the woman threatened his life too, and he reacted too slowly even when he had a gun. He furrowed his eyebrows and yelled, "I won't hesitate this time!" and swung his blade at their arms, slicing off their hands that held guns. Still, one of them grabbed Jean and tried to shove him through the window.

Sasha noticed he was in danger and maneuvered back to him. "Jean!" she screamed, as she tried to untangle him from their arms. Another woman popped up from a hatch door from the top of their cart and shot Sasha in the leg. She cried out in pain, and was pushed off into the stampede of carts.

"Sasha!" Connie shouted, and swung in to save her from bleeding to death or getting run over by other carts. Armin crashed into the cart headfirst, smashing the wood of the sides. He rolled behind the men and women struggling to take Jean. _I won't let them try to hurt my friends again!_ Armin angrily shouted in his mind, remembering how he let that woman shoot Jean while he also held a weapon. He fired blindly, and fortunately, hit two of the four. One immediately dropped dead while the other gasped for air as the bullet hit his throat. The woman who had shot Sasha flipped from the top of the cart to the inside, and fought off Armin. The other man had taken out a knife and twisted the blade into one of Jean's wounds, making his vision blacken. The woman ripped out part of Armin's gear, taking the gas tanks and grappling wire out. She kicked him in the chest, sending out tumbling into the oncoming traffic. The man stabbed Jean again, in the stomach, and punched him in the face. He stopped fighting and knocked out. They tied Jean up and disappeared down an alley, much to the Survey Corps' efforts to get somewhere safe.

* * *

Jean's consciousness wavered over the next few hours. He remembered being transported from cart to horse to cart again. He remembered hearing muffled voices and the echoes of tunnels. He was being carried down a hallway, and tried to fight back, only to be knocked out again by having some foul liquid forced down his throat.

Jean kept thinking, _What the hell? I'm not even dressed up as Eren! You have the wrong person, dammit!_

He felt the rope tied around his wrists being cut. Covered with a sack put on his head, Jean tried to flee the scene, not knowing where to go but just going, but heard a gun click next to his head.

"You may have cut off my hand last time, but I still have another one and you're two blades short."

He felt something drip onto his shirt, probably blood from his attacker's sliced arm. He suddenly remembered he too was bleeding, and that his shirt was wet from his open stab wounds.

With nothing to see except for the woven patterns from the sack around his head, his senses became sharper. He definitely smelled blood, but also a musky scent from the place he was in. The air tasted stale as if fresh oxygen never made it this far. From the sounds of footsteps, Jean estimated around 20 people to be in this room only.

His ears pricked when he heard a commotion from the east side of the room. He assumed it was workers carrying others, who were being a pain in the ass, telling from the sounds of kicking and grunts.

"You'll never…make…work for you…can't kill us…no choice…" He heard faint words, and Jean thought he was hallucinating when he heard that voice. "Kill you all…"

"Then we'll have someone else decide if you live or not." A man said, and judging from his voice, he was big, strong, and stealthy.

Someone yanked the cloth off Jean's head, and was blinded by torches surrounding the small space. Four figures sat in front of him, tied to chairs in chains like he was.

"Jean Kirstein…" the man who was watching him said. The four tensed up at his name. "Today's your lucky day. All your friends are alive!" He motioned to the other bodyguards, who also removed the fabric from the fours' heads.

Historia.

Eren.

Corporal Levi.

_And Mikasa._

For the first second, they all looked relieved to see each other. But Jean and the others figured this was not going to end well. Just like him, there were spots of dark red staining their clothes. They all still had furious glares, especially Eren. Mikasa looked in the worst physical state, but her injuries did not stop her from staring down a guard, who backed away. Her expression softened when she made eye contact with Jean. She felt better that she had saved Jean, and Jean felt the guilt lift, knowing he had not caused her death.

"Now, Jean Kirstein…" the man said. They could see, but they still couldn't recognize who this person was behind their mask.

Jean's gaze met Eren's. He had a look that meant genuine worry, but also a: _Don't fuck this up, horse face._

"You will decide who lives: Eren and Christa, or Mikasa and the oh-so-famous Levi." Fear struck all of them, but it remained hidden underneath their expressionless faces. They all knew they had to die someday to make a sacrifice for the greater good. "And if you don't choose, all five of you will die."

_Fuck, I said you got the wrong person. If you wanted someone who could make good choices, you should have kidnapped Armin._

 

_**FIN.** _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops. i'm ending it here. as planned. i can't write any further. thank you for reading! leave a comment and some love!
> 
> follow some anime shit:  
> ig | @danisnotatitan  
> tumblr | attackonhomo
> 
> p.s. i scratched the idea of making of other pov's.. bc i'm literally. too. lazy. and chapter 59 is out so w/e


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